Self Compassion and Self Care
What do Self Compassion and self care really mean?
How kind and compassionate are you to yourself? Do you recognise your own pain and suffering? This is a good question to pause and ponder on.
Self compassion and self care are words that have been doing the rounds for years, though what do they really mean?
Noticing the pain and suffering in others
For me it’s been helpful to understand the word compassion which means to suffer with. To have compassion we must first notice pain and suffering in others. When we feel drawn to respond and truly open up our hearts with warmth, care and kindness, not with criticism or judgement, we can understand with empathy (not pity or sympathy).
Once we have this understanding we can look inwards to our own pain and trauma. Being self compassionate, to me, is noticing how you would treat a friend or even a stranger. Would you give the same time, love, kindness and warmth to yourself? If the answer is no, then we can start to feel stuck, resentful and powerless.
We are all human becomings
When we notice and reflect on something that has gone wrong it’s about accepting that we are all human becomings, doing the very best that we can in a sometimes very challenging world.
It’s okay to feel vulnerable, and this can be a time when you notice some of these signs;
- You are on edge and reactive – your tolerance to the everyday things is low and you can soon fly off the handle.
- You find reasons to blame others/things and find excuses
- You feel stuck and have no choice. “There is nothing I can do now – who else is going to do the care?”
- You feel as though you are the victim. “I’m an easy pushover, things like this always happen to me.”
- You resent other people/things or how your life is. You don’t see the relationship between the problem/issue/pattern and yourselves.
- You feel powerless and have to “Put up with it”.
- You don’t feel responsible for your own emotions, but you are responsible for everyone else’s. Meaning you feel guilty whenever someone else says “You’ve really upset me!”
Looking within yourself will enable you to have more choice and control
In NLP terms this is called Effect. Putting yourself in a state of Cause gives you choice and a sense of empowerment. Accepting responsibility for yourself and looking within yourself rather than outside will enable you to have more choice and control. You may hold a belief that the person you are caring for is behaving a certain way on purpose to wind you up. You may react quickly, in a harsh way, by blaming them for how you behaved towards them and the situation.
One way we can put ourselves into a state of Cause is to be more aware of our internal triggers and dialogue. “Why do I react this way?” “What message does this tell me?” and “What options do I have in responding to this?” This can also be a time when we need to feel our own emotions, acknowledge what they are and sit with them for a while as we process what they mean. This can be the time for self-care.
Self indulgence is different to self compassion
We all have our own meaning and understanding of what self-care means to us. For me I like to keep it simple and not over complicate it or move into the realms of being self-indulgent as this is different to self compassion.
From my work with family carers self-care can be:
- Setting your own boundaries as to what you will or won’t accept. i.e Learning to say No.
- Having small pockets of time to rest and restore. This could be a little nap. Having time in the morning to yourself to have a cuppa. A walk around the block. To look up at the sky and appreciate the birds in the garden.
- Being able to have your nails/hair done or buying something new that makes you feel good.
- Watching your favourite TV show/box set.
- Spending time with friends.
For more information and resources go to:
Kirsten Neff: https://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4
Test how self-compassionate you are/ or not? www.self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/
Cause and Effect: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pUodSXOTXU
Action for Happiness: www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action
If you would like a chat to “get things off your chest” or ask questions. Please feel free to book a free 30 minute zoom or telephone call.
About Lancashire Dementia Training and Coaching
Hi I’m Rachel, and I’m a dementia coach. I run Lancashire Dementia Training and Coaching and I have 18 years experience working in health and social care.
Having personal family experience of caring for a loved one living with dementia. I appreciate the challenges, the emotional uncertainties and impact it can bring. This experience means I have refined theory and practice.
I am a heart led, compassionate person who listens with empathy to understand and provide safe confidential spaces for people to talk.
I am passionate about raising awareness of dementia and sharing dementia knowledge to empower others.
I offer a range of training and coaching sessions which are bespoke to you, your staff and/or service needs. I have a flexible and friendly approach and can adapt learning sessions and conversations so that we can encourage a positive and fun learning and inspiring culture that supports creativity and innovation.